Friday, September 25, 2009

I don't want to.

I've always been a procrastinator in the worst sort of way. Need to write a children's book for my Children's Literature class in college. No problem. I had a semester to complete the project. When did I start and finish the project? The night before it was due. I wrote, illustrated, and bound the book in one night which created the need for 3am trip to Kinkos and extra money for a rush binding job. As a teacher my procrastination remained. When are grades due? If they were due at 12:00 on Tuesday, I'd turn mine in at 11:50. I rarely missed a deadline. What can I say? I thrive under pressure. At least that is what I tell myself. So, when Dr. Dephouse said he wanted Kenly off the bottle at 12 months, I shrugged and said, "No problem." How hard can the transition from a bottle to a sippy be? The answer....


First, Kenly loves her babas. I love giving them to her. She sits still for about 5-10 minutes and lets me hold her. She plays with my hair and rubs my arm. The sound of the suction is strangely soothing....kind of like ether to my stressed mind and exhausted body. Feeding her is one of the highlights of my day.

Can Kenly drink from a cup?


Do I want Kenly to drink from a cup?

No. My rawest, most heartfelt answer is a resounding no.

Please don't misunderstand. I want Kenly to grow up. I know how absurd it would look for her to be using a bottle on her first date. I want her to thrive and learn new skills. I want her to grow up. Just not yet. Please?

I've been thinking and praying about why giving up the bottle is such an issue for me. Why do I keep buying just one more can of formula? Shouldn't I want to save money? Why do I keep putting the "cold-turkey bottle banning" off for just one more week? I've finally come to the conclusion that I'm just being selfish. Not in a horrible way, but selfish nonetheless. I don't want the door to this era of Kenly's life to slam so soon. I feel like I missed too much. I nursed Kenly for three months, and then the shit crap hit the fan. I had goals and plans. RA decided that I would take a different route. Because of the pain of the disease, the disappointment of failing to nurse for a year, sleep deprivation of the worst sort, and some really wacked out hormones, I fell into a really dark place. The darkest place I've ever been. I wasn't me. I was a numb shell of myself. I feel like I missed the beauty of bottle feeding Kenly for a month or two.

I want that time back. I want to soak up her quiet hums and relish in the beauty of her porcelain skin instead of mourning something that was/is out of my control. I want a "do over."

But I know I can't have one. I have to relish the bottles I have left. I have to be the Mommy and help Kenly enter the new frontier--one free of bottles. It's my job, and I love every challenging, beautiful moment of it.

So enjoy the beauty of my baby growing toddler/little girl. She can melt your heart with a smile.

1 comment:

Leigh Ann said...

at the women's conference I went to this spring a sweet Christian lady, Lisa from Heart of Joy, shared about her daughter who was born with a handicap. While I forget most of the details, I didn't forget the analogy of comparing her dreams for her daughter and taking a trip. She planned on going to Greece but ended up in Holland. Holland wasn't wrong just not where she had planned to go. Life had been hard and about learning to adapt to her Holland and letting go of her Greece. I related to my life and to your RA...I guess the short of it is, yes you can make lemonade with lemons but its not easy that's for sure!! I love you friend!