**Disclaimer--This post will use some harsh language that could be offensive. If a few four letter words will offend you or disappoint you, stop reading now.**
Today I was sitting in Regan's office skimming the surface of things like I always do the first 20 minutes I'm with her. I was talking about my RA diagnosis and the fact that future children are now in question. Regan, ever so politely said, "Rhonda, I hear you say that you're bugged by the fact that you might not have another child. I hear you say that an RA flare-up is a reality check for you, but I'm not hearing how you feel about all of this."
I paused for maybe two seconds, and then it came out.
I blurted, "I'm really pissed. Why me? I'm not supposed to get an autoimmune disease that calls my lifestyle, my hobbies, my plans into question. RA is for a 70-year-old, not an otherwise healthy 33-year-old. I hate feeling old and limited. I hate not knowing my limits. If I'm perfectly, brutally honest, I'm mad as hell. I don't understand why he would let this happen to me. Why would he bring this struggle in the midst of what should be the most joyful days of my life? I'm terrified of being crippled and deformed. I hate how the medicine affects me. I'm furious"..and then I cried.
I know that God can handle my anger, but as Regan pointed out today, I'm not sure I can handle my anger. Sometimes it rages out of control. God already knows my heart, so I need to voice my frustration, deal with it, and move on. How does one do that? How do you let go of something so big? Don't get me wrong. I'll take RA over cancer or some other horrible diseases that people far better than me face every day. I'll live with some pain if I get to live, but I just don't understand.
So, I was in bed tonight, recalling my conversation with Regan, and it hit me. My plans, my dreams, and my hopes got called into question, not God's. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." The Message puts it this way: That's why we can be sure that every detail in out lives of love for God is worked into something good. Over and over, God tells us that he wants to help us. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I have no earthly idea how RA fits into the plan to prosper me, to give me hope and a future, but I guess that's the point. Maybe what God has through all of this is a plan far greater than the ones I made for myself.
I'm still mad as hell, but God can take that and make it good too. He can help me work through all of those emotions; he can help me make them productive.
I don't get it...but I guess I have to trust.
There is a children's song that says...
In your time
In your time
You make all things beautiful
In your time.
Lord, please show me everyday
as you're teaching me your way
that you do just what you say
In your time.
I hate waiting, but I "am confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion." Philippians1:6