Friday, March 6, 2009

Honesty

The past seven months have been hard. Harder than I'd really like to let on to most people. I like to appear together, on top of things, and strong. But in all honest, I'm a ragged mess right now. For the past few weeks I've been feeling slightly dead inside, void of the bubbles of joy that I almost always have. I've been anxious beyond my normal "Nervous Nelly" persona. I've struggled to sleep. I've wanted to stay in bed. Poor Adam has seen more mood swings than one husband should every have to witness. For three weeks, I've cried at the drop of a hat. I am not myself. Adam lovingly suggested I talk to Dr. Simmons. My mom and dad suggested I talk to Dr. Simmons. My friends Leanne and Jennifer suggested I talk to someone too. Finally after four suggestions, made in love, I called the doctor. It was the hardest call I've ever had to make. I tried to think of ways out of the appointment. I tried to reason with myself. You're not crazy. You're doing a bit better today. You don't have to go. But in the end, my head won over my heart.

I talked to Dr. Simmons openly and honestly about how I've been feeling. I didn't sugar coat anything. Since Kenly is almost 7-months-old, and my hormones are under control, postpartum depression could not be blamed. I tried to blame my feelings on the cocktail of medication I have to take for the RA. Dr. Simmons said nothing I was on should make me this whacked out. So, in the end, it was decided that I have a mood disorder. I'm now one of the millions of Americans on an anti-depressant. Dr. Simmons feels that the stress I've been under, good and bad, caused the chemicals in my brain to get out of whack. I'm relieved to know that there is an answer, but I'm struggling with taking the medication. I feel weak and out-of-control. I despise both feelings. I know this is a short term issue. I'll only have to take the medication for 6 months to a year, but I want to fix it myself. I want to pray it away. I want to will it away. But I can't, and to be honest, I'm sick of trying. I'm so utterly tired. So, I'm taking the medication, and I'm praying for a changed attitude toward it. Ultimately, I knew deep down that I needed to take control. If medicine is what it takes, I'll do it. I have to be responsible for Adam, for Kenly, and for myself. I'll fight to get my peace and my joy back.

5 comments:

Shannon said...

Thanks for your honesty. You are in good company. I take meds too. I hope they help.

Janna said...

Welcome to the club! Membership does not necessarily have any privileges, but you'll probably find lots to write about.

I think being in chronic pain and having to manage it is SERIOUS stress. And it's so wonderful that you to have to deal with it and a newborn. BTW, I thought post partum could be considered for like two years after giving birth.

Also, I know exactly what you're talking about with the phone call. See my post here: http://rainbowdull.blogspot.com/2007/10/these-latter-days.html

I am sorry you've had a hard time, but you're doing the right thing. It will get better, and you'll see, it feels SO GOOD to feel good.

Karin said...

Hey Girl!!! I've been there. There is hope and things do get better. It took me a while to talk to my doctor or to let anyone know what I was going through. You'll get through it and you have plenty of support.

I've also heard that Post partum can happen anytime in the first year.

I love you, girl!!! I'm sending a great BIG hug to you!!

Jennaug10 said...

It will get better! I was feeling that way a few months ago.

Leigh Ann said...

I am WAY late in catching up on my friends' blogs! So several days later I am just reading this. I am sorry you are struggling so! You have been through so much, RA, a new mom, grandpa dying, how much can one person take?! I am with ya on trying to be strong but at some point we all need help! I am glad you finally asked for it and I pray you find the help you need. I can't sleep often so if you need a middle of the night friend, you know who to call! Love you!!!