Tuesday, September 14, 2010

More

I'm afraid I've adopted one of society's annoying little qualities. I didn't realize the more mentality had taken hold of my heart until recently. It all started innocently. We bought a nice camera before Kenly was born. I love taking pictures with it, but I wanted more. For two years, I lusted after editing software and a larger monitor to do editing work. Finally I broke down and bought both. Now that I have it, I want more. I want a nice computer with more storage that works just a few seconds faster. I want online storage/backup so I don't have to worry about losing any of my work. I want more. But, it doesn't stop there. Oh no. I want a laptop for when Adam is using the computer, so I don't have to develop patience and wait my turn.

MORE.

It really is a vicious cycle that can deprive me of joy. Instead of focusing the many wonderful blessing I have right in front of me, I allow lust for more to deprive me of the beauty of what I already hold in my hands. Pointless. Futile. Defeating. Draining.

At first I thought that my more mentality applied only to my desire for material items--only things money can buy. But searching my heart here recently, I have realized just how deeply rooted this more mentality has become. I want more of Adam's time. I want to be given more special treatment as a consumer. I want more. I want another child. I want to be a mother twice over. I want more. In January, I came off my RA medication in order to begin planning a second pregnancy. I didn't know how my body would handle the transition to a milder medication, but I was shocked by the transition. I began to believe that I could live methotrexate free for the rest of my life. I felt great. I'd have a few minor aches and pains, but life felt normal. We've been trying for a baby since June. I know that is not long at all, but this second time around, I've been rocked with disappointment every time it doesn't happen. I know we have a small, open window of time before it happens--before my illusion that I can live free of powerful medication crumbles right before my eyes.

I started feeling achy on Saturday. I just thought it was residual soreness from my new exercise regiment. I ignored it. On Sunday night, I tried to sit down to dry Kenly's hair, and the pain that shot through my right hip nearly made me crumple to the ground. Panic set in. When I had my first flare, my right hip was excruciatingly painful. I could barely walk. I popped a few ibuprofen and hoped for the best. The joint pain has been disturbing my sleep the past two nights. When I woke up this morning, my knee and my left hand were stiff and uncomfortable. While I am not in a full flare, I am uncomfortable. My 34 year old frame feels older than it should, and I'm feeling my chances for a second child start to slip through my fingers. To be honest, it really pisses me off. I know God knows that, so I can be raw and honest, and tell it like it is.

I want more. I feel like I got robbed of Kenly's infancy because of this idiotic disease, so I want a do-over. I want a chance to do it right. To feel the intimacy a mother feels with her newborn without dealing with the crap that comes with finding out you have rheumatoid arthritis. I want Kenly to have a sibling. I want to watch the man I married fall head over heels in love with another child.

So I was feeling sorry for myself this morning. I was all mopey and angry. One of the biblical characters that comes to mind when I feel this way is David. Let's face it, the dude dealt with some serious mood swings. While Kenly watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I cracked open the Psalms and read the first few. I was reading out of The Message. I needed modern language this morning. I need to feel like a close friend was telling me her story. God showed up. He's reliable like that.

Part of Psalms 4 in The Message reads

Why is everyone hungry for more? "More, more," they say.
"More, more."
I have God's more-than-enough,
More joy in one ordinary day

Than they get in all their shopping sprees.
At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep,
For you, God, have put my life back together.

Funny how God show up and uses the language I really need to hear. Really? Can you get more perfect than I have God's more-than-enough?

It's true. I have more-than-enough. I'm still pissed off right to my core, but I know it is true. I am so blessed. So I have RA. It's a disease that can be managed. It won't rob me of seeing Kenly grow and thrive. So I might not have another child. I have a daughter who thrills my heart every day. Kenly's everything I prayed for and more. I have a loving, supportive family. So I might not have the latest and greatest gadget, but I do have a husband who is my lover and best friend. I have a roof over my head. I have money to cover the bills. I have LOVE, beautiful love, in all aspects of my life.

I'm fighting. I'm not there yet, but I'm praying that God will help me be content and happy with His more-than-enough.



5 comments:

Lindsey said...

I know how hard it is... I've done it twice. This last time I started doing acupuncture and it seems to help some. I really enjoy going anyway.
Are you tanking Enbrel or anything like that? Hopefully it will happen soon and your RA will go into remission. Fingers crossed for you!

Jennifer Kehoe Young said...

Keep your head up..know we're all thinking of you and praying for you. Kenly is aboslutely gorgeous and so funny. Everything will work out and happens for a reason :)

Shannon said...

Great post. We all want more. It is part of the fall. What we have been given, in it's fullest provision and gift of God status, it is never enough. We want the next step up: the nicer car that is less than 5 years old, the nicer computer (or another computer...I feel your pain on this one since our babies have ruined TWO this summer), a kitchen with modern appliances. It goes past wanting more. It is the lie that Satan sells us when he tells us we deserve more. He purposely doesn't tell us that we deserve hell, but what we have been given is life and a heavenly Father that withholds no good thing. He is a mean one, that Satan!

Brittany Nicole said...

It was so nice to read such an honest post. Thanks for telling how you really feel. We've all had the feelings of want, want, want. So you're not alone. But God does have mysterious ways of showing us His Divine Grace as such seems the case with your reading. You're a good reminder of where to turn when life gets difficult.

Jennaug10 said...

I hear ya on the wanting more things. Wanting a new laptop since ours went out on us last summer, wanting a newer car, wanting this last credit card paid off, now. Wanting Troy to be on day shift like yesterday, it was supposed to be a week ago. Satan tries to get in there. We are so blessed with the things we already have. We will continue to pray for you with your RA and the baby situation. I know how badly you would love to have a sibling for Kenly. She has two pretty darn amazing parents there. God will work things out. Love ya girl.

Jen