Six Months

How can Kenly already be six months? Truth be told, she's closer to seven months old now. In just a flash, she's turned into a moving, rolling, tumbling, teething little girl. At her recent doctor's appointment, I realized just how big she is getting. Here are her stats for the 6 month appointment...

Weight--16lbs 2.5 oz (50 percentile)
Height--25 3/4 inches (50 percentile)
Head Circumference--17 3/4 inches (95 percentile)

Our child has a HUGE head, but it is only because she is so amazingly intelligent.

In the past two weeks, she has cut two teeth. I feel strongly that she is working on two more as well. (The rivers of drool give her away.) She is getting better about sitting up without using her hands for support. On occasion she face plants or fall backwards, but all in all, she is learning to sit up and see the world from a different perspective. Perhaps the biggest thing she is learning is to put herself to sleep. I miss rocking her, but I'm so proud that for the past two nights she has put herself to sleep. Now I have to train myself to let go and get some sleep.

Kenly is enjoying the adventure of trying new foods. So far she hasn't met a food that she refuses, so I feel confident that she is truly a Brand because she loves food. Her favorite fruit is bananas, and her favorite vegetable is, by far, squash. We have three more foods to try--green beans, carrots, and peaches. I love watching her face contort as she tries a new flavor. Even if she's not thrilled with the first go, she's always willing to give it a second try. For that I am truly thankful.

I'm learning to adjust to motherhood. Some days is to so much easier than others. My biggest struggle is fighting fear. I've been reading a book called Grace(Eventually)-Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott. I love her books. She is really raw and edgy. Her rough around the edges thoughts on life help me realize that we are all human. We all struggle with the daily. She writes a ton about parenting. Some of her words have spoken truth to my heart here recently. Here are a few excerpts from the book.

"A sober friend told me that while fear and confusion often swirl around us, faith is straight ahead: I trusted even though I didn't know a thing about taking care of infants, toddlers, kids, or teenagers, I would be shown the next step on a need-to-know basis."

"My friend Ethan says that being a parent means you go through life with the invisible muzzle of a gun held to you head. You may have the greatest joy you ever dreamed of, but you will never again draw an untroubled breath."

"What I found....by having a child is a kind of eternity, a capacity for--and reserves of--love and sacrifice that blew my mind. But I also found the stuff inside me that is pretty miserable. I was brought face-to-face with a fun-house mirror of all the grasping, cowardly, manipulative, greedy parts of me, too."

"It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head." ~Sally Kempton

"When we have children, we know they will need us, and maybe love us, but we don't have a clue how hard it is going to be. We also can't understand when we're pregnant, or when our relatives are expecting, how profoundly and dicey it is to have a shared history with a child, shared blood, shared genes, even humor. It means we were actually here on earth, for a time, like the Egyptians with their pyramids, but with kids, it's an experiment: you wait and see what comes of it, and with people, that almost always means a mess."

"I've found that when you give up on using your mind to solve a problem--which your mind is holding on to like a dog with a chew toy--writing it down helps turn off the terrible alertness. When you're not siphoned into the black hole of worried control and playing fretful Savior, turning the problem over to God or the elves in the glove compartment harnesses something in the universe that is bigger than you, and that just might work."

All I know is that I've come face-to-face with who I really am by becoming a mother. I didn't know the depths of sludge that existed in me until she shined a light into all those hidden corners. Now I want it clean so bad because I don't want Kenly to develop the same sludgy persona. I've also found that I'm a control freak...I want to drive. I want to fix it. I want to have the reigns. I'm coming to grips with the fact that God is not a cosmic traffic cop (to quote Ron Willoughby) waiting to bust me for all my wrong in the past or present. I'm having to learn that he is not going to use Kenly as leverage...he's not that kind of God. I've got to let go of the fear and worry. I need to come to grips with the fact that He can protect her so much better than I can. I do have outposts of fear and worry in my mind. I always have, even as a child. I need to let go. Kenly needs me to let go. She needs a mama who can help her step confidently into the world, unafraid.

Here are the verses that I'm claiming for myself.

2 Timothy 1:7-- For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

1 John 4:18--There is not fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Psalms 46:5--God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

Isaiah 40:31--But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.